01/10/06

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Escaped Cow May Avoid Death Penalty

cowburger.jpg

Molly B., the cow whose bid for freedom seems to have elicited sympathy from vegans and hamburger fans alike, may be spared. Slaughterhouse workers at Mickey's Packing Plant, normally not a weepy bunch, voted 10-1 to let the animal live.

The incident reveals the hitherto unknown democratic political structure of slaughterhouses. And that in turn suggests why humans hate cows: They're communists.

While it may seem absurd to explain our animus against animals thus, consider the words of Missoula resident Annie Garde, who wants to save Molly B.: "If they want to take up a collection to pay someone to keep the cow alive, I'd be more than happy to contribute," she reportedly said. "I probably won't become a vegetarian because of it, but it probably deserves to live. When one breaks out of the pack, it's so touching."

There it is: herd animals must die; rugged individualists get a reprieve.

I wonder why they didn't name her "Patty"?

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Lot 49 is published by Thomas Claburn. Some of it is true.


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