Iraq Takeover Deal Rumored
New York (NOT)—With its stock among members of the international community at an all-time low and NASDAQ delisting imminent, Iraq is said to be pursuing an exit strategy that would save the country from a hostile takeover, according to classified government documents.
The report, culled from the hard drive of a Defense Intelligence Agency laptop found in the men's room at a Bethesda, Maryland Hooters, named several possible suitors including North Korea and ExxonMobil.
The North Korean Ministry of Information denounced inquiries about its contacts with Iraq as "Drug-addled ramblings."
Likewise, an ExxonMobil spokesperson refused to comment on the possibility of negotiations with the Iraqi government. But US industry analysts said the move made sense.
"Iraq has a lot of oil," noted Carl Kess, a former Merrill Lynch vice president who recently fled the country. "What it lacks is accountable management. That's something ExxonMobil could provide."
Speaking on condition of anonymity, Bush administration officials confirmed that senior staff members are aware of the report and that they hope a deal is reached soon.
Said one White House aide, "If we can get a peaceful merger announced before the winter invasion season, we'll be in a much better position to negotiate book deals with release dates that leverage the 2004 election season media coverage to maximize publicity. Not to mention what it will do to the value of our oil-heavy portfolios."
Those close to the negotiations contend that the sticking point is Saddam Hussein's insistence that he receive a parachute made of gold. Despite assurances that "golden parachute" is just a figure of speech used to describe cash paid to departing executives as a reward years of selfless service and gross underpayment, the Iraqi leader is reportedly adamant that he receive an actual golden parachute.
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