The Mutant Market
REHOVOT, ISRAEL (NOT) - Necessity is the mother of invention, particularly when the traits passed on by one's mother - feathers in this case - are stripped away by inventive scientists. While Dr. Avigdor Cahaner's featherless mutant chickens may be one step closer to the broiler than nature intended, his future Franken-nuggets face the prospect of being overdone by the sun before the table has even been set.
But every problem is a business waiting to happen. Coppertone today announced that it will be developing an SPF 50 cooking oil to keep featherless chickens from blistering in the sun. "Sunburn can be terribly painful," said company spokesperson Brigit Ondine. "Our new Whole Wheat Poultry Poultice will make these birds feel better. And studies suggest that happy birds are tastier."
Of course the breading may have something to do with their flavor too.
While there's some disagreement about what consitutes a happy chicken, the one thing everyone in the food industry accepts without question is that science will play an increasingly important role in making the menu.
Henrico Fuera, president of the Square Animals Association, suggests that box-shaped livestock will revolutionize the fast food industry. "Time to market is everything in this business," he insists. "The new generation of square steers should shave a full day off the time from grazing to grill. We just roll out the trucks, stack 'em up, and ship 'em out in containers that fit like a glove. Sure, they're more vulnerable to predators but at least cube cows don't stampede."
Ultimately, Fuera says, the goal is to have animals born in their own packaging and bar codes. But he concedes that's still a few years away.
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