Global Warming Solved
LONDON (NOT) - Speaking at the Conference for the Evasion of Corporate Responsibility, Dr. Dalton Hemwith-Jones proposed a solution for the global warming crisis: networked air conditioners.
"We have today the means to end global warming once and for all," he said in a speech to business leaders. "Strategic utilization of climate control technology in conjunction with today's networking equipment has the potential to counter adverse changes in world weather patterns."
Dr. Hemwith-Jones went on to describe a scenario in which the air conditioning equipment already in place across the world could be switched on at the same time, creating a massive shift in temperature.
Reaction from industry groups has been overwhelmingly positive. Laurel Smerl, spokesperson for the Air Conditioning Contractors of America, said, "While we haven't had time to evaluate Dr. Hemwith-Jones' proposal, we're thrilled with the idea. I don't know why no one thought of this before."
Andreas Fanche, president of the Brotherhood of Toxic Polluters, expressed similar approval. "This is good news for the industry and good news for the world," he said.
Protesters outside the conference, however, had a different view. Mike Bullard of Whitechapel scoffed at the plan. "Yeah, right," he said dismissively. "Then you have a global cooling problem. Brilliant."
William Pykedale, director of the Lawn Gnome Botanical Preserve in Bristol, believes Dr. Hemwith-Jones' proposal has other flaws. "The danger posed by global warming has mostly to do with the melting of polar ice. Keeping this ice chilled is a noble idea, but it ignores the scarcity of electrical outlets near the poles. And you can't run air conditioners without power."
A Bush administration official at the conference was quick to point out that oil-powered units might be up to the task, but conceded that further work needs to be done.
A spokesman for Bickembu Pieehnew, Prime Minister of the tiny Pacific island of Tuvalu, said Mr. Pieehnew could not be reached for comment as he was busy supervising the evacuation of his people from their native home, which is currently being swallowed by the rising sea.
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