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The Washington Post is running an intriguing story about how we're in the process of reinventing ourselves through biotechnology. I'm skeptical. As a development platform, humans have a lot of problems: We're frail. But put a human mind in an cybernetic body and you have a much more compelling upgrade package.
LONDON (NOT) - Speaking at the Conference for the Evasion of Corporate Responsibility, Dr. Dalton Hemwith-Jones proposed a solution for the global warming crisis: networked air conditioners.
"We have today the means to end global warming once and for all," he said in a speech to business leaders. "Strategic utilization of climate control technology in conjunction with today's networking equipment has the potential to counter adverse changes in world weather patterns."
Dr. Hemwith-Jones went on to describe a scenario in which the air conditioning equipment already in place across the world could be switched on at the same time, creating a massive shift in temperature.
Reaction from industry groups has been overwhelmingly positive. Laurel Smerl, spokesperson for the Air Conditioning Contractors of America, said, "While we haven't had time to evaluate Dr. Hemwith-Jones' proposal, we're thrilled with the idea. I don't know why no one thought of this before."
Andreas Fanche, president of the Brotherhood of Toxic Polluters, expressed similar approval. "This is good news for the industry and good news for the world," he said.
Protesters outside the conference, however, had a different view. Mike Bullard of Whitechapel scoffed at the plan. "Yeah, right," he said dismissively. "Then you have a global cooling problem. Brilliant."
William Pykedale, director of the Lawn Gnome Botanical Preserve in Bristol, believes Dr. Hemwith-Jones' proposal has other flaws. "The danger posed by global warming has mostly to do with the melting of polar ice. Keeping this ice chilled is a noble idea, but it ignores the scarcity of electrical outlets near the poles. And you can't run air conditioners without power."
A Bush administration official at the conference was quick to point out that oil-powered units might be up to the task, but conceded that further work needs to be done.
A spokesman for Bickembu Pieehnew, Prime Minister of the tiny Pacific island of Tuvalu, said Mr. Pieehnew could not be reached for comment as he was busy supervising the evacuation of his people from their native home, which is currently being swallowed by the rising sea.
Speaking at the 2002 Computers, Freedom & Privacy Conference, Bruce Sterling offered this gem:
"But it gets weirder. The public interest in public-domain intellectual property freezes dead with the humble birth of a cartoon mouse on a tabletop in Kansas City. The Mouse is flash-frozen in legal ice. He's unrotting. He's undying. He's cryogenically preserved.... In ancient Rome, folks thought it was pretty decadent when the Emperor Caligula made his horse into a Senator. But in the modern US Senate, there's a Senator who's a cartoon mouse!"
WASHINGTON (NOT) - Microsoft chairman and co-founder Bill Gates took the stand in defense of his company today and refused to give it back. Stunned prosecutors for the nine states still litigating tried to retake it by guile and later by force, but U.S. District Judge Colleen Kollar-Kotelly denied their motions, a move widely seen as an affirmation of the software company's demand for freedom to innovate.
"If nothing else, it's certainly an innovative legal strategy," said Marvin Lenare, a Boston antitrust attorney. "Without the stand, it's not clear whether the remaining states can continue. You have to put your witnesses somewhere."
While on the stand, Gates monopolized the proceedings. Demonstrating an encyclopedic memory -- something not evident in an earlier video deposition -- he testified at length about his company, its role as an essential engine of the economy, and anything else that came to mind.
Hoping for a chance to tell the states' side of the story, prosecutors made several attempts to dislodge the billionaire, but Gates proved more resourceful than expected. During the final assault, he felled three state attorneys with Judge Kollar-Kotelly's gavel in a hastily improvised defense.
Though attorney Steven Kuney decried Gates' actions as anti-competitive, his objections appeared to fall on deaf ears.
With both sides exhausted, Judge Kollar-Kotelly adjourned for the week.
Gates is expected to resume his testimony on Monday and to continue until he's forced to yield. If his recent performance gives any indication of his will to fight, the states may need reinforcements.
A recent post to Declan McCullagh's Politech mailing list noted the award of US Patent No. 6,368,227, Method of Swinging on a Swing. The so-called method? Swinging sideways. Not forward and backward, mind you--that would be obvious and thus not patentable--but sideways. Mercifully, the public won't be denied this promising method of swinging: Licenses are available from the inventor on request.
SAN FRANCISCO (NOT) - The discovery of the body of 28-year-old Malland Kryczinsky in a North Beach appartment this morning was welcomed by police as a stroke of good luck.
Found beside the corpse was a suicide chain letter. Investigators believe Mr. Kryczinsky was targeting the general public with his lethal scheme, but accidentally transposed his instructions. As a result, he killed himself and thus was unable to pass the letter along.
"He followed his instructions to the letter," said San Francisco homicide detective Myra Cusson. "Fortunately for you and me, he got the order wrong. If he'd told people to mail copies of the chain letter before killing themselves, there'd be a helluva lot more bodies."
WASHINGTON (NOT) - In anticipation of a report by government auditors, Bush administration spokesman Ari Fleischer today said the White House would restate the Union.
"We've been informed of a number of irregularities in the President's State of the Union address and we have concluded that it would be in the best interest of the country to clarify some of his remarks," Fleischer said at a press conference.
Among the restated passages of the President's January 29th speech count the controversial "axis of evil" slur. Said Fleischer, "The President strayed from the script by accident. He meant to say, 'taxis of evil.' That's what we wrote for him. There was no intent to capitalize on the memory of World War II."
Asked to explain the cryptic expression, Fleischer answered, "I should think it's perfectly clear."
North Korean leader Kim Jong-il, speaking on behalf of the Axis of Evil, a newly formed terrorism trade group that also includes Iran and Iraq, voiced his consternation and outrage at the change. "We condemn the imperialist dogma that comes from Mr. Bush so easily," he said in a faxed statement. "Now we will have to reprint our stationary. For that, we demand compensation and an apology."
A spokesman for the Taxicab, Limousine & Paratransit Association expressed similar dismay at the President's corrected choice of terms. "Do he mean to imply that all taxicabs are evil? Clearly this is not the case. Some taxicabs are good. This is an indisputable fact."
Following Fleischer's burnishment of the President's words, Transportation Secretary Norman Y. Mineta offered his own interpretation. "I believe it’s a metaphor that describes how rogue states carry evil with them," he said, "just as a taxi carries passengers, from here to there."
The Government Accounting Office report that prompted the retractions is expected to be released shortly, though no time table has been set.
I may switch from Blogger to Movable Type. As such, posts may be infrequent over the next few days. One of these days I'll set aside some time to read about spread spectrum technology.
Marc Andreesen lectured the NAB crowd about the futility of copy protection. Sadly, that won't stop Hollywood from trying. Information want to be free, at least until the government says otherwise.
I'm not sure who Matthew White is, but I get the sense from his homepage that I'd like him. His atlas is particularly interesting. Which somehow brings us to tiny thermal cameras (brought to you by big government).
What is causing the water in Florida Bay to turn black?
Mitsubishi Electric Research Laboratories has developed something called the iGlassware system. It signals the barkeep when your glass needs a refill using radio frequency identification (RFID) tag technology. It seems the old system, which involved looking at one's glass and making a hand or vocal signal, was just too confusing and gave too much discretion to customers. And beer mugs aren't the only things getting chipped, in the silcon sense of the word. The FDA has cleared the way for the VeriChip and similar devices, ruling that implanted chips will not be regulated under the rules for medical devices (unless, I suppose, that's what they are).